Daddy Lessons

Until I mended the relationship with my father, I kept meeting him in all the men I’d encounter. They were inconsiderate, not dependable, and full of promises that they couldn’t keep. That was my dad. Throughout all of my youth and most of my adult life I resented my dad. I hated the fact that he could move so freely while I felt so empty because of his lack of love and presence. The contempt I had for my dad translated into the feelings I had towards men. And not just my dad. I’d seen numerous men in my life continuously be “sorry” with excuses oozing out their mouths like saliva. All the men in my family were half-ass and didn’t know how to treat women. Seeing failing men was the norm for me. My only idea of what a good man was were maybe the small amount of them I saw on tv and/or my teachers and professors. But I’d never witnessed a real man up close.

This lack of representation caused me to project the same man into my life over and over. I’ve dated my dad several times, unknowingly. He was either far away and could never see me. Close to me but didn’t see my worth enough to put in any effort. In love with me but verbally abusive and immature. So many versions of my dad haunted me. And as our relationship turned cold, my relationships with men turned colder. A friend recently told me the other day that there are a lot of things that I don’t like about men. I couldn’t even protest because he was right. I hold men to such high standards because of the fear I have towards being with a man like my dad.

My intent is not to bash my dad. I love my dad. We’ve formed a beautiful relationship out of a tattered one. However, this is to take you through the realizations I had to face to see every man for who he is, not who my dad was.


If he makes you feel the same way your dad does, he’s not for you…

Like I said before, I was projecting the same kind of man into my life over and over again. The reason for this nonsense because I never really stopped, thought things through and chose. If a man showed interest and love to me I was wanted him. However, I never really CHOSE. I didn’t exercise my right to choose because I didn’t see finding a man as a choice. My subconscious mind believed that you get, what you get. Issues of insecurity and immaturity clouded my better judgment. And without having a solid example of a real man, I had to go with what I believed was good for me.

Damn, he shows me love, he wants to have sex with me, he likes this about me, he likes that, he thinks I’m smart, we have a nice vibe, this is the man I want to be with!  That’s how I approached situations, initially. Seeing through rose-tinted glasses stopped me from making the correlations between the guy’s behavior and my dad’s. I didn’t see that he wasn’t dependable and couldn’t make any real promises or commitments. I didn’t see that he treated other women with disrespect and he had an extremely short temper. I didn’t see that he was immature and couldn’t handle his business. I didn’t see all of the messed up qualities because I had forgotten my right to choose. In negotiating, the most pitiful thing you can do is accept your first offer without questioning it or weighing your options. If you do, you’ll find yourself in a bad deal. And that’s what I kept finding myself in for a long time. Exercise your right of choice and pay close attention to ALL the signs not just the ones you want to see.

Also, if you’re in a relationship and you start to notice similarities between the guy and your dad, RUN FOR THE HILLS! If your dad makes you feel empty, unloved and unwanted and your guy makes you feel the same, it’s because you’ve attracted that same energy into your life. You’ve yet handle your issues of discontent with your dad so you’ve only shifted that same discontent to your love life. If it takes being single to figure this out, please do so. Don’t gather miles on your heart and vagina because of insecurity, immaturity and daddy issues. Find yourself, and love yourself first.


It’s important to look at your dad as a person first, and a dad second. 

When I realized that my dad created me when he had no idea of what he wanted his world to be or who he wanted to be, my outlook on parents changed. My dad was going through life and happened to have an unplanned pregnancy. Life didn’t stop, however. He still had lessons to learn through experience. It was his first time being a dad, hell it was his first time being a person. His parenting skills didn’t kick in instantly because he was still a kid. A young teen, unaware and unconcerned of how his decisions affected others. Still trying to figure out what it meant to be young, black, and alive in his time.  Instinct ruled his mind and body. Logic and emotional maturity did not. You can not expect your dad to be a father to you if he is not a man to his self. Seeing my dad as a person allowed me to understand him better.

Camp Lejuene, North Carolina, 2012

Typically, men mature slower than women…and they have more pride.

Women are born with instinct. And for most, when they become mothers, they develop the innate maternal nature. If you speak to mothers, young mothers especially, they can attest to the fact that they grew up once they had their child or their child changed their life. Women are more prone to sacrificing self for child because that’s how natural selection and social constructs has conditioned us to. Spiritually, we are born to birth children. So for a woman to have a maternal nature is…normal. Nonetheless, males are not born with that same instinct. It is definitely something that can be developed. Men mature slower than men so a males development will take quite some time. When dealing with my dad, I had to learn that he really became a man once he hit his late 30’s/mid 40’s. All the time before that was just trial and error.

Some of you may be thinking, “Well, my dad is 50 and we still don’t have a consistent, loving relationship.” This is definitely not uncommon. However, some men have tons of pride that can keep them from admitting their wrongs. Sometimes seeing you, their daughter, is a reminder of all the ways they went wrong and not enough of the ways they did right. They run from that truth. The fault lies in them not taking ownership and accountability; something that they have to live with for the rest of their lives.


You may not ever mend your relationship with your dad

Souls are sometimes reincarnated to fix bad karma and bad experiences. (See But sometimes these experiences cannot be fixed in one lifetime. They may take time for each of the participating souls to evolve to a point where reconciliation is a possibility. Know that you may not ever mend your relationship with your dad. Although you may be ready, he may not. That has nothing to do with you. The emptiness you feel must be confronted through forgiving him. He has to deal with that karma but you do not need to create more negative karma in your life. I suggest looking towards the positive male role models in your life for guidance. If there aren’t any, imagine all of the qualities you want in a good man and the universe WILL bring him to you. Not to take the place of your dad, but to balance your feminine energy with masculine energy.

Photo by Semhal Nasreddin

The relationship with my dad has taught me many lessons. The experiences we’ve had opened to my eyes to what other women go through when they don’t have their dads in their life. It is possible to live without your dad if he’s not ready. You are a woman and you were created to be strong.

Be easy and tell your dad you love him.



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